Author Topic: Daily starters  (Read 95053 times)

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #855 on: April 14, 2019, 07:49:25 AM »
Man: Hi, would you sleep with me for $1 million?
Woman: Why certainly, yes I would.
Man: What about $10?
Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?
Man: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #856 on: April 16, 2019, 08:37:48 AM »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather aback because he can't place where he remembers her from. So he says, "do you know me?' To which she answers, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. " My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says " No, I'm your son's teacher."
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 08:44:27 AM by Kingman »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #857 on: April 17, 2019, 08:19:00 AM »
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, "Your are back early, is something wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" replied the woman.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second holes" she replied.
He nodded and said" Your stance is too wide".
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 08:23:23 AM by Kingman »
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #858 on: April 18, 2019, 08:40:27 AM »
I asked my wife why did she marry me.
Wife: "Because you are funny."
Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"
Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline vpgh

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #859 on: April 18, 2019, 09:31:10 PM »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. ..

Kingman, I'm a fan of your thread :)

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #860 on: April 19, 2019, 07:14:38 AM »
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. ..

Kingman, I'm a fan of your thread :)

Why thank you, thank you very much!
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #861 on: April 19, 2019, 08:49:45 AM »
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and begins shining his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him, he's the one shaving you."
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #862 on: April 20, 2019, 07:18:38 AM »
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!

Offline Kingman

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Re: Daily starters
« Reply #863 on: April 24, 2019, 07:39:12 AM »
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
IN REALITY IT ONLY MATTERS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO YOU!!!!!