Vintage HiFi Audio Forum

PoLiTiCs => What's on your cranium??? => Topic started by: Kingman on March 19, 2012, 06:29:57 PM

Title: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 19, 2012, 06:29:57 PM
Meeting women at a bar is like going to the grocery store hungry... you bring home shit you don't need !!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 20, 2012, 05:56:26 AM
Not really excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said 100% recycled...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 21, 2012, 06:44:48 AM
The pollen levels are so high this year  it has the crack heads trying to convert their meth into Sudafed...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 22, 2012, 06:49:44 AM
Got a Rolex for my birthday from a couple of lesbians. Guess they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 23, 2012, 06:53:08 AM
You know there's a fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry humping a total stranger...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2012, 08:01:14 AM
I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, the answer is Fiji.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on March 24, 2012, 08:26:02 AM
Since anyone has yet to respond, I'll do the honors...

YUK YUK YUK :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2012, 08:32:38 AM
Thanks! I was beginning to think no one up there had a sense of humor. Feel free to join in and post your own one liners guys!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OCCD on March 24, 2012, 03:03:32 PM
I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, the answer is Fiji.....

 :P :P :P :P :P :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on March 24, 2012, 04:04:39 PM
Thanks! I was beginning to think no one up there had a sense of humor.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a beer and a mop!”

See, you were right.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2012, 04:32:14 PM
Keep it going!!!! :-[
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Bunni on March 24, 2012, 04:57:57 PM
Three Greeks rent a canoe....that's all I've got.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Anders on March 24, 2012, 05:01:09 PM
Horse walks into a bar.... Bartender says.... why the long face ?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OCCD on March 24, 2012, 05:42:06 PM
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OCCD on March 24, 2012, 05:54:04 PM
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2012, 06:31:10 PM
Got arrested for mopery... Flashing a blind person!!!!! :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on March 24, 2012, 07:08:55 PM
Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on March 24, 2012, 07:18:19 PM
Confucius say: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: schwarcw on March 24, 2012, 08:10:12 PM
Confucius say:  "Man who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 25, 2012, 06:46:21 AM
I embrace alcohol consumption as a method of therapy. Why else would they call it happy hour?????
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on March 25, 2012, 09:47:22 AM
"I always cook with wine.........
.....sometimes I even put it in the food." W C Fields
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Anders on March 25, 2012, 11:26:13 AM
Song lyrics from a bad country song "Its hard to kiss those lips... That chewed your ass out all day long"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 26, 2012, 06:47:01 AM
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, some just abuse the privilege...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on March 26, 2012, 12:38:07 PM
Confucius say: Baseball is wrong. man with four balls cannot walk.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Reverend on March 26, 2012, 01:06:32 PM
Confucius say:  "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 27, 2012, 06:35:11 AM
There are only two days in your life you can't do anything about...yesterday and tomorrow...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Reverend on March 27, 2012, 09:16:58 AM
Confucius say:  "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2012, 07:18:25 AM
The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to anymore.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on March 28, 2012, 07:36:00 AM
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on March 28, 2012, 03:44:33 PM
Last night i was pulled over by a female police officer. She told me anything i say can and will be held against me. So i quickly replied "TITTIES!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 29, 2012, 05:43:06 AM
All the things I like are either immoral, illegal, or fattening....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 30, 2012, 05:56:23 AM
I bought an Iboat yesterday and it's syncing.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Reverend on March 30, 2012, 08:33:22 AM
Confucius say, "Man who drop watch in toilet have sh*tty time."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 31, 2012, 06:34:40 AM
If stick people have sex do they catch on fire???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 01, 2012, 06:49:44 AM
Happiness is not getting what you want it's wanting what you have.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on April 01, 2012, 07:59:43 AM
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish.
Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.
- Eric Hoffer
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 02, 2012, 07:04:12 AM
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Reverend on April 02, 2012, 10:56:01 AM
Confucius say, "Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 03, 2012, 07:13:41 AM
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean one enjoys it????
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 04, 2012, 07:19:50 AM
If you think nobody cares if you're alive...try missing a couple of payments...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: BB3 on April 04, 2012, 06:24:51 PM
"You do that one more time and I'm going to hit you with so many rights, you're going to beg for a left."-----Chuck Norris.

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:-----Bill
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 05, 2012, 06:13:23 AM
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on April 05, 2012, 05:17:19 PM
Here's something to remember when you're older - never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 06, 2012, 07:45:08 AM
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.  :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 09, 2012, 06:28:49 AM
Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake a whole relationship...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 10, 2012, 07:26:24 AM
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 11, 2012, 07:10:46 AM
Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you to death with experience...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 12, 2012, 07:00:34 AM
I should have known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. I'm a Libra and she's a bitch....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 13, 2012, 07:11:44 AM
We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 14, 2012, 08:30:10 AM
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on April 14, 2012, 09:04:05 AM
This bill is the legislative equivalent of crack. It yields a short-term high but does long-term damage to the system and it's expensive to boot.
Barney Frank
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 15, 2012, 08:45:20 AM
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 16, 2012, 06:57:29 AM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not like the passengers in his car screaming and yelling....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on April 16, 2012, 12:42:57 PM
Lost my mood ring today, not sure how I feel about that.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 17, 2012, 06:40:32 AM
The evening news is where they begin with "good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 18, 2012, 07:16:15 AM
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 19, 2012, 06:58:21 AM
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 20, 2012, 07:57:13 AM
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on April 20, 2012, 08:29:37 AM
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 21, 2012, 07:10:39 AM
Just laugh at your problems...everybody else does...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on April 21, 2012, 09:41:23 AM
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 22, 2012, 06:30:56 AM
Good girls are just bad girls that never got caught...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on April 22, 2012, 11:15:12 AM
Good news from a doctor is bad news from an attorney:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 23, 2012, 06:30:38 AM
God must love stupid people. He made so many....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on April 23, 2012, 10:22:10 AM
I will never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on April 23, 2012, 05:36:54 PM
Went to a Hypochondriac Anonymous meeting today. That hardest part was admitting I didn't have a problem.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 24, 2012, 06:55:59 AM
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 25, 2012, 07:02:05 AM
You're never too old to learn something stupid...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 26, 2012, 08:17:40 AM
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 27, 2012, 06:44:10 AM
A little boy asked his father how much it cost to get married. His father replied" I don't know I'm still paying."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on April 27, 2012, 09:47:55 AM
Relationships are like Farts. If you push too hard, things get messy really fast.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 28, 2012, 07:10:38 AM
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 30, 2012, 08:22:27 AM
A bargain is something you don't need at a price
 you can't resist...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on May 01, 2012, 07:18:48 AM
Hooray, hooray, it's the first of May.  Outdoor sex begins today.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 01, 2012, 08:15:10 AM
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on May 02, 2012, 01:56:37 PM
I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 04, 2012, 07:29:58 AM
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 05, 2012, 06:58:40 AM
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Anders on May 05, 2012, 10:31:59 AM
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 06, 2012, 07:11:21 AM
If you can't convince them, confuse them...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 07, 2012, 06:51:14 AM
It's Monday...keep the dream alive... hit the snooze button!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 08, 2012, 07:11:54 AM
Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 09, 2012, 07:10:55 AM
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2012, 06:51:49 AM
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 11, 2012, 06:58:02 AM
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 12, 2012, 07:00:26 AM
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?????
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Slim-Shaddy on May 12, 2012, 09:47:54 AM
I stole this one from Facebook. Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 13, 2012, 08:42:54 AM

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.....

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 14, 2012, 06:39:03 AM
   
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 15, 2012, 06:45:45 AM

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 16, 2012, 06:58:56 AM
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 17, 2012, 06:59:43 AM

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 18, 2012, 06:19:46 AM

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks....

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 19, 2012, 08:51:26 AM
   
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game....

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on May 19, 2012, 10:18:26 AM
If at first you don't succeed,try,try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 20, 2012, 06:23:30 AM

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"...

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 21, 2012, 06:41:30 AM

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die....

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 22, 2012, 06:59:21 AM

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 23, 2012, 06:44:11 AM
   
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 24, 2012, 05:48:47 AM

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted....

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 25, 2012, 08:28:41 AM

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 26, 2012, 07:04:04 AM

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 27, 2012, 07:13:58 AM

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 28, 2012, 06:36:48 AM

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour...

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 29, 2012, 06:30:34 AM

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 30, 2012, 07:12:25 AM

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 31, 2012, 07:45:44 AM
   
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Anders on May 31, 2012, 10:12:03 AM
And you know if you watch my fix something the price is double ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Bunni on May 31, 2012, 02:22:35 PM
And you know if you watch my fix something the price is double ;)

How much for spell checking and punctuation?  lol   :-*
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 01, 2012, 06:38:20 AM

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 02, 2012, 07:46:05 AM

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 03, 2012, 06:21:16 AM

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 04, 2012, 07:02:04 AM

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 05, 2012, 06:52:35 AM

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 06, 2012, 04:34:48 AM

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 07, 2012, 07:05:39 AM

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 08, 2012, 06:31:12 AM

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 09, 2012, 07:10:06 AM
   
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 10, 2012, 09:04:29 AM

No one is listening until you fart.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 11, 2012, 06:34:13 AM

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 12, 2012, 06:39:17 AM
   
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 13, 2012, 09:05:57 PM
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 14, 2012, 06:36:15 AM
   
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 15, 2012, 06:11:16 AM

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 16, 2012, 08:40:06 AM

People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 17, 2012, 08:47:21 AM

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 18, 2012, 06:04:37 AM

Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on June 18, 2012, 08:36:49 AM
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Bunni on June 18, 2012, 09:27:09 AM
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.

One of my favs :)  Hypocrisy sucks!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 19, 2012, 05:16:20 AM

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 20, 2012, 06:29:03 AM

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 21, 2012, 05:35:00 AM

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 22, 2012, 06:40:52 AM
   
Without ME, it's just AWESO.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 23, 2012, 06:59:20 AM
   
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 24, 2012, 06:40:56 AM

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 25, 2012, 06:41:24 AM
   
Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2012, 05:40:26 AM
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 27, 2012, 05:35:15 AM

I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 28, 2012, 06:12:59 AM

I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 29, 2012, 05:47:50 AM
   
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 30, 2012, 07:11:14 AM
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 01, 2012, 06:34:49 AM

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 02, 2012, 05:33:31 AM

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 04, 2012, 05:32:26 AM
Have a great 4th forum folks. Never forget the freedom we enjoy in America. God bless the U.S.A.!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 05, 2012, 07:01:19 PM

My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 06, 2012, 05:23:16 AM
   
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 07, 2012, 06:35:55 AM

Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 08, 2012, 06:05:28 AM

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 09, 2012, 05:39:46 AM

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 10, 2012, 05:34:04 AM

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 11, 2012, 06:03:42 AM
I have reached the age where I am stuck between everything annoys the crap out of me and I really don't give a shit.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 12, 2012, 05:37:31 AM

If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 13, 2012, 06:17:37 AM

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 19, 2012, 05:47:23 AM

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 20, 2012, 06:37:42 AM

You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'f**k it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 21, 2012, 09:28:49 AM

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 22, 2012, 06:02:03 AM

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 23, 2012, 05:38:16 AM

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 24, 2012, 06:22:05 AM

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 25, 2012, 05:42:30 AM

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 26, 2012, 05:51:20 AM

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 27, 2012, 05:43:31 AM

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 28, 2012, 07:00:17 AM

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 29, 2012, 06:55:13 AM

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 30, 2012, 05:54:42 AM

My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 04, 2012, 07:37:38 AM

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 05, 2012, 06:42:05 AM

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 07, 2012, 06:08:53 AM

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 10, 2012, 02:35:22 PM

Constipated people don't give a crap!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 11, 2012, 08:07:44 AM

I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 15, 2012, 07:26:00 AM

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 17, 2012, 05:52:16 AM

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 18, 2012, 06:18:28 AM

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 19, 2012, 07:03:46 AM

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 22, 2012, 08:22:20 PM

I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 24, 2012, 05:48:45 AM

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 25, 2012, 06:18:23 AM
   
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 26, 2012, 07:51:52 AM

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 29, 2012, 07:12:21 AM

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 02, 2012, 08:05:32 AM

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 22, 2012, 01:58:35 PM

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 25, 2012, 11:50:17 AM

Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: BB3 on September 27, 2012, 03:29:24 PM

Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....................Thanks for posting Kingman.----Bill
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 30, 2012, 06:33:13 AM

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Bunni on September 30, 2012, 02:20:01 PM

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!!!


Sorry to hear that, lol
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 03, 2012, 03:07:06 PM

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 04, 2012, 06:53:07 AM

A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 08, 2012, 10:58:17 AM

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 11, 2012, 07:12:37 AM

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 17, 2012, 05:59:00 AM

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on October 18, 2012, 05:36:06 PM
Let's flip a coin............heads, I get tail, or tails, I get head.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: RandyD on October 19, 2012, 06:11:59 PM
I got a package of smarties that were counterfeit last year. They were all stupid. I was so mad.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 22, 2012, 10:11:46 AM

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 29, 2012, 03:18:22 PM

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 06, 2012, 12:58:51 PM

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 13, 2012, 05:18:39 AM

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 14, 2012, 01:42:40 PM

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 15, 2012, 01:08:32 PM

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 17, 2012, 06:42:10 AM

You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'f**k it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 20, 2012, 05:46:19 AM

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on November 21, 2012, 08:43:48 AM
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 06, 2012, 09:24:18 AM

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on December 06, 2012, 05:47:45 PM
 A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
 
:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Don't have one for a smelly ass.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 09, 2012, 08:54:50 AM

When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 12, 2012, 07:22:23 AM

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on December 12, 2012, 03:47:31 PM
Biology Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother' Milk.?
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
 
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
 
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
 
7) It comes in two attractive containers and
it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
He got an A.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2012, 06:25:25 AM

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 15, 2012, 10:30:41 AM

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 16, 2012, 10:01:25 AM
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.
Jim Rohn
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 19, 2012, 09:05:30 PM

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 04, 2013, 06:18:11 AM

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 10, 2013, 02:07:25 PM

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 13, 2013, 08:20:12 AM

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 18, 2013, 06:46:31 AM

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 01, 2013, 08:39:20 PM

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 03, 2013, 06:51:54 AM

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 07, 2013, 07:15:30 AM

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 22, 2013, 07:50:07 AM

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 02, 2013, 06:18:25 AM

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 10, 2013, 11:19:59 AM
You know what it feels like when you lean back in a chair and almost go over backwards, but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 14, 2013, 07:20:01 AM
Life’s not a garden, so don’t be a hoe.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 27, 2013, 12:45:06 PM

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 29, 2013, 08:43:36 AM

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 23, 2013, 06:08:18 AM
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 24, 2013, 06:27:17 AM
 My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 25, 2013, 07:19:06 AM
 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 29, 2013, 06:00:58 AM
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made outta meat?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 01, 2013, 06:47:54 AM
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 02, 2013, 06:42:21 AM
 Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 03, 2013, 06:30:27 AM
 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 04, 2013, 10:02:05 AM
 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 05, 2013, 12:15:19 PM
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 08, 2013, 06:54:48 AM
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains than a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 09, 2013, 06:41:26 AM
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on May 09, 2013, 07:25:32 AM
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains than a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

 Oh my... :laugh:  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2013, 06:59:44 AM
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 14, 2013, 06:53:27 AM
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on May 15, 2013, 11:21:51 AM
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs and ham breakfast: the chicken was involved-the pig was committed.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 19, 2013, 06:35:11 AM
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on May 20, 2013, 03:27:00 PM

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, the answer is Fiji...

Oh...so that's what they call it now.
Title: Tom's golf game...
Post by: wkhanna on May 21, 2013, 09:57:14 AM
The other day Tom broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.


Tom was playing golf. He swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. He swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 22, 2013, 05:57:52 AM
 We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: wkhanna on May 22, 2013, 06:54:47 AM
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm still not sure about the universe."

- A. Einstein
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 23, 2013, 06:47:52 AM
 He who laughs last thinks slowest...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 31, 2013, 06:49:48 AM
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 06, 2013, 06:50:54 AM
 Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 12, 2013, 10:09:06 AM
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on December 30, 2013, 11:18:14 PM

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a pre-Christmas evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of cold beer. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before:  I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise, because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

Happy New Year
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on December 30, 2013, 11:36:57 PM

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a pre-Christmas evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of cold beer. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before:  I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise, because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

Happy New Year


With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a pre-Christmas evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of cold beer. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before:  I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise, because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

Happy New Year
Good one! That made me chuckle. Thanks.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on January 02, 2014, 08:06:12 PM
Don't mess with old people...

Yesterday I was at the Villages' (an area north of Orlando  full of retirees) Publix (our large food chain in Florida) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the  hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 26, 2014, 06:38:49 AM
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 27, 2014, 07:14:56 AM
Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2014, 07:40:17 AM
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 29, 2014, 08:38:42 AM
Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 31, 2014, 06:48:07 AM
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to f**k ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 01, 2014, 06:45:28 AM
For Pepe...Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 02, 2014, 08:19:25 AM
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 04, 2014, 08:18:06 AM
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 05, 2014, 11:45:12 AM
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 06, 2014, 08:34:20 AM
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on April 06, 2014, 12:27:50 PM
Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All

responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped

their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us
all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 07, 2014, 08:37:12 AM
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 08, 2014, 08:07:33 AM
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 09, 2014, 08:04:57 AM
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 11, 2014, 08:54:22 AM
Q: When does a cub scout become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.  :P

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on April 11, 2014, 04:45:43 PM
I got thrown out of cub scouts for eating brownies
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on April 11, 2014, 10:08:49 PM
What's the difference between a clam digger with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The clam digger shucks between fits.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 12, 2014, 10:02:51 AM
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been f**king the chickens!  :laugh:

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 13, 2014, 10:07:53 AM
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 14, 2014, 07:15:58 AM
Q: What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: f**kS FUNNY
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 15, 2014, 06:41:49 AM
Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 16, 2014, 08:19:09 AM
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking, licking, sucking, f**king and wanking.  >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 17, 2014, 08:35:34 AM
Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 18, 2014, 07:47:03 AM
Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on May 01, 2014, 06:35:09 AM
Hooray, hooray it's the first of May, outdoor sex begins today.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2014, 08:46:44 AM
And so it begins... >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OCCD on July 31, 2014, 05:23:37 PM
 >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: icravcarver on August 24, 2014, 09:37:53 PM
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt.  So I f**ed her twice and punched her in the face!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: GraphicFX on August 25, 2014, 12:31:25 AM
My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt.  So I f**ed her twice and punched her in the face!

Don't feel bad, I had to f&#k'd her 3 times
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 04, 2014, 08:26:21 AM
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'f**k you' to trees.  >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 04, 2014, 01:35:33 PM
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 05, 2014, 06:10:31 AM
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 06, 2014, 06:59:33 AM
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 07, 2014, 08:53:06 AM
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number??????  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 08, 2014, 07:55:52 AM
Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 09, 2014, 06:07:56 PM
I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people..... ???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 10, 2014, 08:05:28 AM
Your family tree must be a cactus, 'cause everyone on it's a prick.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 11, 2014, 07:54:56 AM
I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 12, 2014, 08:13:52 AM
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.  :police:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 13, 2014, 07:13:54 AM
I'm going to change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crap I don't like, I press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 14, 2014, 06:52:18 AM
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called Lunch.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 15, 2014, 10:18:33 AM
Today I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 16, 2014, 07:07:25 AM
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.  :P
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 16, 2014, 05:52:37 PM
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their ass with an IPad.  ::)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 17, 2014, 08:10:57 AM
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: rgpit on October 18, 2014, 09:06:30 AM
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 18, 2014, 09:47:50 AM
The awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on October 18, 2014, 10:02:20 AM
Really appreciate these... Good daily starters!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 20, 2014, 08:26:53 AM
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 21, 2014, 07:21:21 AM
Lazy People Fact #5812672793
You were too lazy to read that number.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 22, 2014, 07:28:39 AM
Roses are red
That part is true
But violets are purple
Not f*cking blue
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 26, 2014, 07:29:36 AM
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 27, 2014, 08:22:36 AM
Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 28, 2014, 08:06:17 AM
Figuring out what a woman wants is easy. Just pay attention while she's screaming it at you.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 29, 2014, 07:58:08 AM
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 30, 2014, 09:31:17 AM
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Them I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail...... ::)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 31, 2014, 08:30:16 AM
Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pussy.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on October 31, 2014, 05:10:28 PM
Petting? pussy? wasn't there a story about Johnny Carson and Racheal Welch about that, or a cat or something?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 01, 2014, 11:12:48 AM
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 01, 2014, 11:24:21 AM
Petting? pussy? wasn't there a story about Johnny Carson and Racheal Welch about that, or a cat or something?  www.youtube.com/embed/wRR1aKBOCOQ (http://www.youtube.com/embed/wRR1aKBOCOQ)
 
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 02, 2014, 07:28:14 AM
Thanks, Kingman.  I am not sure if it was true, but that is the reference.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 02, 2014, 08:17:54 AM
Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 04, 2014, 06:47:52 AM
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger?...... Then it hit me.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 04, 2014, 07:52:56 PM
 Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 06, 2014, 06:56:23 AM
What did the normal oreo say to the double stuffed creamed one?
Whoreo!!!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 09, 2014, 09:47:18 AM
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over... >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 10, 2014, 07:54:45 AM
If you think these jokes are hilarious, you should see my life choices.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 11, 2014, 06:39:35 AM
I'm about to have my favorite alcoholic drink. It's called a lot.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 12, 2014, 10:22:17 AM
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 13, 2014, 07:35:14 AM
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 14, 2014, 07:04:31 AM
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 15, 2014, 10:23:58 AM
I bet you I could stop gambling......
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 15, 2014, 09:39:13 PM
I have learned that pleasing most people is impossible, but pissing off everyone is a piece of cake.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 17, 2014, 08:00:45 AM
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 18, 2014, 06:50:07 AM
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.  >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 19, 2014, 07:34:23 AM
I'm friends with 25 letters in the alphabet. I don't know Y.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 20, 2014, 07:28:20 AM
For Bearjew...Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.  >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: GraphicFX on November 20, 2014, 03:59:46 PM
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 20, 2014, 06:13:24 PM
OK-much of this is not PC, but it made me laugh...
       
THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
 
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya' sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



























Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 21, 2014, 06:56:55 AM
Good one MacGeek!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 21, 2014, 07:14:28 AM
Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they try hard enough.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 22, 2014, 08:48:18 AM
The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: GraphicFX on November 23, 2014, 08:55:25 AM
The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!

Do you make this stuff up? Genius I tell you.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: bearjew on November 23, 2014, 10:22:52 AM
The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!

Do you make this stuff up? Genius I tell you.

I know, right?  I've been waiting all morning for him to post one, but I guess when god rests, so must the southern commander.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 23, 2014, 10:28:36 AM
Don't worry guys...on the job 24-7 defending the Southland... LMAO means Lick My Anal Opening. You're welcome.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 24, 2014, 07:24:44 AM
When a two year old hands you their ringing toy phone, no matter how baddass you think you are, you answer it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 25, 2014, 08:17:39 AM
You guys really need to stop judging people that breast feed in public. I can raise my puppy however I want!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 25, 2014, 07:56:53 PM
Shop tools defined.  Don't ask how we come to know some of these things.


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trashcan after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 26, 2014, 08:12:45 AM
Even funnier... that moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Dicky on November 26, 2014, 11:00:10 AM
I've never farted accidentally, but have had accidents while farting. 
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: rgpit on November 26, 2014, 11:33:28 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ8RKrsY7jQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ8RKrsY7jQ)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 27, 2014, 08:08:08 AM
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.... ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 27, 2014, 08:10:14 AM
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 30, 2014, 07:09:44 AM
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated”
AMEN!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 30, 2014, 07:10:08 AM
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 30, 2014, 09:08:46 AM
Life is all about asses.

You're either covering it,

Laughing it off,

Kicking it,

Kissing it,

Busting it,

Trying to get a piece of it,

Or behaving like one.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 02, 2014, 09:41:55 AM
A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 04, 2014, 07:59:04 AM
It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 05, 2014, 07:53:51 AM
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 06, 2014, 08:43:08 AM
Just realized I'll never be a lawyer....I can't pass a bar.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 07, 2014, 06:45:10 AM
 You remind me of my Chinese friend...UG-LEE  !!!  :P
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 08, 2014, 07:44:47 AM
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 09, 2014, 09:45:35 AM
I'm a really down to Earth type guy cause...you know...gravity...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 10, 2014, 08:06:59 AM
Whats the last thing that went through Sally's mind after jumping from a skyscraper?
Her ankles..... >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 11, 2014, 07:55:58 AM
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit.''
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 12, 2014, 07:23:19 AM
That moment when you sit on a public toilet and the seat is still warm.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2014, 11:42:35 AM
I'm not calling you a slut, but if you were a video game you'd be rated 'E For Everyone'
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 16, 2014, 08:50:43 AM
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 17, 2014, 07:24:37 AM
I think that condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 18, 2014, 07:32:48 AM
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane!  :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 19, 2014, 07:41:00 AM
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 20, 2014, 08:21:46 AM
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 21, 2014, 08:15:27 AM
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
 A: 45 lbs.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 22, 2014, 07:18:23 AM

 Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
 A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 23, 2014, 08:01:43 AM
Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?....
 Slick her hair back she looks 15.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 26, 2014, 08:42:14 AM
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 27, 2014, 09:10:00 AM
Q: Why does Bearjew like to watch porno movies backwards?
 A: He likes the part where the prostitute gives the money back.   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: bearjew on December 27, 2014, 10:58:41 AM
Q: Why does Bearjew like to watch porno movies backwards?
 A: He likes the part where the prostitute gives the money back.   :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

have you been spying on me?!?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on December 27, 2014, 05:40:03 PM
Wow. I watch them backwards to!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 28, 2014, 07:12:18 AM
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
 A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: RuralTom on December 28, 2014, 07:43:37 AM
Underbite?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 28, 2014, 08:35:40 AM
Underbite?
I see you have experience!!!!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: RuralTom on December 28, 2014, 08:54:35 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on December 28, 2014, 02:31:03 PM
Underbite, overbite-I guess it depends on the direction from which you are approaching the matter.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 29, 2014, 06:57:15 AM
Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
 A: IHOP!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 03, 2015, 11:04:37 AM

 I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you're one fine hoe.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 04, 2015, 08:38:43 AM
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.... ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 05, 2015, 07:12:20 AM
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?.....
 One's a Goodyear and the other is a f**king good year !!!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 07, 2015, 08:07:02 AM
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 08, 2015, 07:28:47 AM
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while you are having sex?
 A. Call her and tell her.  :-*
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on January 08, 2015, 05:05:17 PM
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while you are having sex?
 A. Call her and tell her.  :-*

I thought it was when you wipe your dick off on the curtains.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 09, 2015, 07:11:52 AM
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.   :'(
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 11, 2015, 08:38:44 AM
Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 13, 2015, 06:59:22 AM
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 15, 2015, 08:15:29 AM
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: rgpit on January 16, 2015, 10:32:07 AM
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 17, 2015, 05:27:42 AM
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 19, 2015, 07:44:08 AM
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 25, 2015, 09:27:39 AM
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 26, 2015, 06:41:32 AM
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 27, 2015, 06:35:18 AM
For Pepe...What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 02, 2015, 06:26:17 AM
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 03, 2015, 06:24:32 AM
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Pittsburgh?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 04, 2015, 06:47:56 AM
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 05, 2015, 07:26:31 AM
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 06, 2015, 05:47:00 AM
I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 08, 2015, 09:42:27 AM
Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 10, 2015, 06:56:17 AM
What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 11, 2015, 06:56:57 AM
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 13, 2015, 07:25:10 AM
The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?  :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 14, 2015, 07:46:42 AM
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on February 14, 2015, 08:33:52 AM
For Pepe...What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro sink-o!

Just read this one...  nice...   :(
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on February 15, 2015, 09:02:01 AM
It's winter in Pennsylvania

And the gentle breezes blow,
                       
70 miles per hour at 2 below!
                       
Oh, how I love Pennsylvania,
                           
When the snow's up to your butt;
                           
You take a breath of winter air
                       
And your nose is frozen shut.
                           
Yes, the weather here is wonderful, 
                           
I guess I'll hang around.
                           
I could never leave Pennsylvania,
                           
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on February 15, 2015, 09:07:07 AM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
   
Here are the winners: 

1.   Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
 
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
   
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
   
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
   
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
   
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
   
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late..
   
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
   
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
   
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
   
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
   
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
   
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
   
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
   
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
   
   
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
   
And the winners are: 
   
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
   
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
   
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
   
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
   
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
   
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
   
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
   
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
   
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
   
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
   
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
   
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
   
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
   
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
   
15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 17, 2015, 08:07:54 AM
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: GraphicFX on February 17, 2015, 11:32:59 AM
Q. What did the mexican fireman name his twin sons.
A. Hose-A & Hose-B
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 20, 2015, 07:03:44 AM
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on February 21, 2015, 07:09:01 AM
Boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 22, 2015, 08:01:39 AM
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 23, 2015, 06:52:10 AM
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?....... Women  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 24, 2015, 06:58:05 AM
It's so cold today, Democrats have their hands in their own pockets!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 25, 2015, 06:46:54 AM
A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 01, 2015, 07:42:39 AM
Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 03, 2015, 07:11:26 AM
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 05, 2015, 07:33:06 AM
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 06, 2015, 06:52:38 AM
Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?
 A: Tai Nee
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 09, 2015, 07:20:16 AM
If you want to commit suicide, climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 10, 2015, 06:31:31 AM
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 11, 2015, 08:53:18 AM
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 15, 2015, 08:41:05 AM
Wife: "Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 17, 2015, 10:23:01 AM
The knowledge that can hurt you worst is the knowledge you don't have.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 18, 2015, 07:30:28 AM
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 19, 2015, 08:34:38 AM
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.  :(|)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 20, 2015, 07:21:11 AM
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 23, 2015, 07:37:25 AM
I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 25, 2015, 07:04:44 AM
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 26, 2015, 06:48:06 AM
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 27, 2015, 07:32:37 AM
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 29, 2015, 06:14:39 AM
Man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less money than his wife did.  :-*
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 30, 2015, 07:28:36 AM
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 03, 2015, 04:07:29 PM
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 06, 2015, 06:52:19 AM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 09, 2015, 07:01:39 AM
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 17, 2015, 06:45:37 AM
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 22, 2015, 07:41:43 AM
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: icravcarver on April 27, 2015, 12:48:30 PM
What is the difference between "in-laws" and "outlaws".  "Outlaws" are actually wanted!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 30, 2015, 06:42:47 AM
You know you stay on the computer too much when you start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 06, 2015, 07:05:45 AM
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on May 06, 2015, 12:17:11 PM
Kingman, I don't know how you come up with this stuff but you're the best!  Keep 'em coming.
Thx
Brad (pbj)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 15, 2015, 07:01:39 AM
One for you and ya boy Brad.....

Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 18, 2015, 06:41:15 AM
What's the cheapest meat? Deer balls... their under a buck!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 19, 2015, 06:32:57 AM
The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%... per boob!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 20, 2015, 07:26:48 AM
I read eating fatty foods was bad for you, so I stopped eating fatty foods. I read smoking was bad for you, so I stopped smoking. I read drinking was bad for you, so I stopped reading.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 22, 2015, 06:31:34 AM
Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car... :police:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 25, 2015, 04:00:47 PM
Elephant asks a camel:''why do you have two boobs on your back?"
Camel says to Elephant:"Thats a funny question from someone with a dick on his face."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 27, 2015, 07:08:41 AM
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 29, 2015, 07:36:56 AM
If you remember the color of a girls eyes after the first date, chances are... she has small boobs.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 31, 2015, 06:16:57 AM
What do you call a Chinese Billionare?
Cha-Ching!!!!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 13, 2015, 09:20:22 AM
Why dont professional Womans basketball games ever sell out? Because only 3% of women are lesbians...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 29, 2015, 02:49:50 PM
When I see birds fly, I think to myself: "If I was a bird, who would I shit on?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Gelid on April 27, 2016, 09:23:53 PM
Contrary to popular belief, quitting drinking will not make you live longer... it'll just seem longer.

 :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 28, 2016, 05:00:25 AM
Contrary to popular belief, quitting drinking will not make you live longer... it'll just seem longer.

 :laugh:
Thanks for starting this thread back up!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 28, 2016, 05:00:38 AM
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 29, 2016, 08:26:18 AM
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 30, 2016, 07:31:41 AM
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MasterBlaster on May 01, 2016, 01:15:47 AM
Confucius say... Man who fart in church stand in own pew.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 01, 2016, 04:46:56 AM
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on May 02, 2016, 12:17:17 AM
Confucius also say "man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 02, 2016, 07:41:52 AM
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: bearjew on May 02, 2016, 09:21:56 AM
Confucius also say "man who stand on toilet, high on pot"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on May 02, 2016, 12:21:45 PM
Confucius say, "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 03, 2016, 07:14:27 AM
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on May 04, 2016, 06:39:10 AM
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder to record his
last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
 
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away- they did not realize his extensive holdings.

As Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 04, 2016, 07:36:53 AM
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.  >:D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 05, 2016, 07:38:24 AM
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Gelid on May 06, 2016, 04:56:39 PM
A good drinking buddy will bail you out of jail, but a great drinking buddy will be sitting in the cell beside you, saying, “Man, that was awesome!”
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 07, 2016, 09:23:13 AM
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 09, 2016, 06:37:07 AM
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on May 09, 2016, 10:12:51 PM
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I'm great at procrastinating. I'd put off all of the above
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2016, 06:21:51 PM
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 12, 2016, 07:47:03 AM
There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 13, 2016, 08:13:08 AM
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 14, 2016, 07:49:16 AM
Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 15, 2016, 12:25:54 PM
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 16, 2016, 08:51:03 AM
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 17, 2016, 05:45:13 AM
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 21, 2016, 11:54:17 AM
Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 22, 2016, 06:51:50 AM
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 23, 2016, 07:21:24 AM
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 24, 2016, 06:37:45 AM
There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 26, 2016, 08:50:24 AM
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 27, 2016, 07:00:52 AM
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 29, 2016, 09:24:57 AM
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 31, 2016, 06:42:10 AM
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 02, 2016, 07:28:33 AM
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 03, 2016, 07:22:43 AM
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f**ked to achieve it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on June 03, 2016, 08:12:17 AM
lol   excellent!     
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 04, 2016, 07:09:31 AM
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 05, 2016, 06:16:08 AM
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 06, 2016, 08:13:03 AM
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 07, 2016, 09:36:06 AM
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 08, 2016, 06:19:52 AM
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 09, 2016, 07:31:40 AM
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 10, 2016, 06:33:28 AM
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 11, 2016, 07:03:44 AM
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 12, 2016, 05:50:03 AM
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 13, 2016, 08:23:45 AM
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 14, 2016, 08:22:19 AM
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 15, 2016, 10:56:33 AM
I like two kinds of women: domestic and imported.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 16, 2016, 06:03:48 PM
Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 17, 2016, 07:59:13 AM
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 18, 2016, 08:01:02 AM
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 19, 2016, 06:21:37 AM
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on June 19, 2016, 09:30:05 AM
nice!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 26, 2016, 07:01:11 AM
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 27, 2016, 04:12:23 PM
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 28, 2016, 06:13:25 AM
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on June 28, 2016, 03:19:36 PM
funny and accurate
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 29, 2016, 07:25:53 AM
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 30, 2016, 12:45:45 PM
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 01, 2016, 07:23:34 AM
Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on July 01, 2016, 08:56:48 AM
I'll remember that one   ROTFL
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 02, 2016, 07:56:24 AM
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on July 02, 2016, 08:27:17 AM
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than men who mention it...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 03, 2016, 06:40:10 AM
You have to be flexible to work where I do. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on July 04, 2016, 07:44:44 AM
Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to
walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 05, 2016, 06:51:44 AM
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 06, 2016, 06:29:42 AM
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 07, 2016, 07:32:37 AM
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 08, 2016, 11:08:57 AM
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 09, 2016, 06:34:05 AM
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on July 12, 2016, 04:43:37 AM
I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 12, 2016, 06:17:53 AM
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: bearjew on July 12, 2016, 07:36:01 PM
I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I believe this to be actually true, not something that you read on the internet.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Sir Thrift-a-Lot on July 12, 2016, 10:09:04 PM
I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

We need a "like" button, the type they have on Facebook.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 13, 2016, 06:58:05 AM
I had amnesia once - well, maybe twice.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 14, 2016, 06:41:10 AM
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 15, 2016, 08:25:02 AM
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 16, 2016, 10:45:05 AM
...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 17, 2016, 05:37:42 AM
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 18, 2016, 09:18:32 AM
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 19, 2016, 07:15:31 AM
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.... ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 20, 2016, 08:55:37 AM
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 21, 2016, 09:28:59 AM
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 22, 2016, 08:11:52 AM
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 23, 2016, 07:40:59 AM
Most people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams come true....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 24, 2016, 07:49:11 AM
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 25, 2016, 06:58:41 AM
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?  :(|)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 27, 2016, 08:51:33 AM
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 28, 2016, 07:46:26 AM
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 29, 2016, 08:10:40 AM
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on July 30, 2016, 11:37:59 AM
What is Pokemon?
Jamaican proctologist
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 31, 2016, 09:01:08 AM
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 02, 2016, 08:50:53 AM
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 03, 2016, 06:54:14 PM
If a woman gives into sex very fast it's not because of the man.... but the men that came before him.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 04, 2016, 07:22:58 AM
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 05, 2016, 07:23:31 AM
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 07, 2016, 07:46:49 AM
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 08, 2016, 12:48:24 PM
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 09, 2016, 09:50:02 AM
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 13, 2016, 07:52:15 AM
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 15, 2016, 06:36:20 AM
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 16, 2016, 07:20:32 AM
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 20, 2016, 06:46:12 AM
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 21, 2016, 09:30:38 AM
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!  >:(
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 22, 2016, 07:41:03 AM
Some people I meet are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 23, 2016, 09:58:23 AM
When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on August 23, 2016, 02:46:00 PM
When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

I'm one of those cool dads. I guess that's why my sons are so cool.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 25, 2016, 09:23:25 AM
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – at least eight hours.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 26, 2016, 08:59:48 AM
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off...... :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 29, 2016, 07:47:40 AM
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 03, 2016, 12:33:50 PM
Sports do not build character. They reveal it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 05, 2016, 07:22:13 AM
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 06, 2016, 08:55:18 AM
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 08, 2016, 06:39:54 AM
I'm a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 12, 2016, 09:38:15 AM
Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 21, 2016, 07:47:30 AM
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 23, 2016, 06:23:42 AM
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 25, 2016, 08:15:36 AM
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out evenly over the course of the week.... :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 26, 2016, 08:49:25 AM
 Saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on September 29, 2016, 06:45:44 AM
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants that lack the will to live?  ???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 01, 2016, 05:56:56 AM
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 03, 2016, 07:46:41 AM
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 11, 2016, 08:08:52 AM
Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 13, 2016, 06:31:56 PM
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.  :(
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 14, 2016, 06:27:07 AM
If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?  ???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 17, 2016, 03:29:23 PM
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 18, 2016, 08:49:30 AM
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... you're one of them.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 19, 2016, 07:40:53 AM
The road to success is always under construction.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 20, 2016, 08:43:25 AM
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" f**king bitch.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 22, 2016, 08:26:42 AM
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 23, 2016, 08:51:08 AM
Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 26, 2016, 06:57:30 AM
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on October 26, 2016, 02:41:13 PM
Hipsters are what happen when you tell every child that they're special.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: RuralTom on October 26, 2016, 03:46:51 PM
Hipsters are what happen when you tell every child that they're special.

LOL....  you sure it isn't just what happens when they believe it?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 27, 2016, 07:52:18 AM
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn't know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 28, 2016, 08:48:15 AM
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 30, 2016, 08:24:06 AM
Economic theory usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 31, 2016, 02:40:53 PM
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 02, 2016, 06:57:13 PM
I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 04, 2016, 07:47:42 AM
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 06, 2016, 08:36:49 AM
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 15, 2016, 07:52:08 AM
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and have to leave the hardware store.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 17, 2016, 08:41:58 PM
Feeling pretty damn proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 19, 2016, 09:28:46 AM
Relationships between men and women are psychological. She is psycho and he is logical.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 22, 2016, 07:34:12 AM
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on November 22, 2016, 09:21:38 AM
 nice!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on November 22, 2016, 05:59:08 PM
I once had neighbors listening to my music, even making requests.  Then, one of them didn't like it and called the police.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 23, 2016, 07:28:20 AM
Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 24, 2016, 07:15:34 AM
Just think about it...if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!!!  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 25, 2016, 08:07:29 AM
My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 26, 2016, 08:10:12 AM
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 27, 2016, 09:12:28 AM
Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 30, 2016, 08:09:25 AM
You have the perfect face for radio.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 05, 2016, 06:12:09 PM
If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?  ???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 09, 2016, 09:52:35 AM
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
 A rebel without a Claus.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 10, 2016, 07:59:50 AM
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.  :laugh:

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 11, 2016, 08:31:22 AM
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 12, 2016, 06:08:24 AM
Hey Stevie.....How does a Jew celebrate Christmas? He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2016, 07:28:44 AM
Hey Pepe...How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 14, 2016, 06:58:43 AM
What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays? A ho ho ho
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 15, 2016, 06:18:52 AM
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 16, 2016, 08:33:13 AM
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 17, 2016, 08:59:59 AM
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 18, 2016, 09:23:19 AM
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas... ::)

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 19, 2016, 07:40:51 AM
It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on December 19, 2016, 08:31:25 AM
Amen to that one!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 20, 2016, 06:14:48 AM
May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 21, 2016, 08:02:40 AM
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 22, 2016, 07:43:25 AM
The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 23, 2016, 08:39:50 AM
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on December 23, 2016, 09:08:04 PM
nice... brings back many memories of corporate Christmas Parties. The best was one mid level executive throwing up at dinner all over his boss and his bosses snooty wife... lol    He retired two weeks later lol
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 24, 2016, 08:26:33 AM
Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it...Merry Christmas to you all!!!!!

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on December 24, 2016, 09:52:17 AM
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 28, 2016, 06:51:35 AM
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 30, 2016, 07:12:20 AM
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 03, 2017, 06:19:27 AM
New Year's : Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on January 04, 2017, 06:29:43 PM
CAN YOU HELP OUT???

A friend of mine, we will call him Gus, has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both are box seats. He paid $1,700 for each ticket.
He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.
If you know someone who would be interested and would like to go in his place, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 4:00 pm.
Her name is Darlene, age 29, she is 5'4", about 115 lbs, attractive, she makes $240,000 annually,
she also owns her apartment on Central Park West. She will be wearing a white dress.

Again, if you're interested.

Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 07, 2017, 12:32:19 PM
I smoked pot for a whole month last night.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 08, 2017, 06:54:41 AM
I'm on the whiskey diet, and it must be working well because I've already lost three days.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 12, 2017, 08:44:56 AM
I hate double standards, unless they are in my favor.  ;D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 15, 2017, 07:46:34 AM
My blind date didn’t see anything in me...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 16, 2017, 08:44:26 AM
I can't figure out why I did not get excepted to college.... ???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 17, 2017, 06:34:43 AM
You never know if a man with an eye patch is winking at you or just blinking.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 19, 2017, 06:23:37 AM
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I have insomnia or amnesia...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 21, 2017, 08:22:08 AM
Sign in restaurant..."Low cut blouses will be looked down upon in this establishment."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 26, 2017, 04:28:59 PM
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 04, 2017, 06:25:58 PM
A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.  ;D
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on March 05, 2017, 08:50:50 AM
excellent.... and welcome back.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 05, 2017, 02:27:01 PM
excellent.... and welcome back.
Thanks Jim...been busy lately...

You'll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can't tell the difference between a smile and a warning.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 10, 2017, 08:35:38 AM
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: papabearjew on March 10, 2017, 10:31:55 PM
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

If your kid then exhales through his nose...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 11, 2017, 08:08:47 AM
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 13, 2017, 05:06:38 PM
200 lbs on Earth is only 74 lbs on Mars. I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 22, 2017, 04:57:21 PM
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
 Because those men already have boyfriends.  ;)   
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 25, 2017, 07:01:08 AM
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 28, 2017, 05:47:53 AM
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill any time.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 01, 2017, 08:17:19 AM
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.  :-\
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 20, 2017, 08:51:52 AM
I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on this bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 05, 2017, 07:29:18 AM
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 22, 2017, 09:49:54 AM
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on October 22, 2017, 01:04:36 PM
wow     Missed these posts  8)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 23, 2017, 06:31:28 AM
Thanks Jim!  Not much time to post lately and needed time to hear a few new ones!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 23, 2017, 06:48:55 AM
When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 25, 2017, 10:26:07 AM
I only drink on days beginning with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 26, 2017, 07:44:54 PM
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.  :police:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 27, 2017, 03:53:19 PM
If you're slutty enough, every day can be Halloween.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on October 28, 2017, 08:03:39 AM
Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 02, 2017, 09:53:15 AM
Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 03, 2017, 06:47:20 AM
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 05, 2017, 08:48:52 AM
You have two parts of your brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 06, 2017, 06:54:26 AM
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.  :-\
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 08, 2017, 06:16:15 AM
I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.  :-[
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 09, 2017, 06:29:16 AM
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 12, 2017, 08:04:51 AM
I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 13, 2017, 06:23:49 AM
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.  ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 14, 2017, 06:45:52 AM
Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 18, 2017, 10:50:24 AM
Relax...It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 19, 2017, 06:31:12 AM
I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 21, 2017, 06:38:49 AM
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on November 21, 2017, 07:45:20 AM
that's good!   
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 22, 2017, 06:15:16 PM
The Thanksgiving holiday brings Black Friday... Americans of all races and religions gather together to fight over discounted electronics.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 25, 2017, 06:32:42 AM
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 27, 2017, 12:46:33 PM
You can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 28, 2017, 08:10:15 AM
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I started lying to my wife.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on November 29, 2017, 06:37:09 AM
"Doctor, there's a patient in room 8 that says he's invisible"... "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 02, 2017, 07:28:02 AM
What do politicians and porn stars have most in common? They're experts at switching positions in front of the camera.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 04, 2017, 06:49:43 AM
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 05, 2017, 07:25:13 AM
My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance... I told him "oh yeah... we'll see about that!"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 08, 2017, 08:25:24 AM
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them. ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 09, 2017, 07:17:10 AM
You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on December 09, 2017, 09:27:49 AM
I like that.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 10, 2017, 09:25:47 AM
Pick up line...Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 12, 2017, 06:18:14 AM
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 13, 2017, 09:13:49 AM
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 16, 2017, 11:18:38 AM
The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 20, 2017, 06:36:22 AM
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 21, 2017, 07:28:45 AM
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 26, 2017, 01:33:35 PM
The psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 27, 2017, 06:45:49 AM
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 28, 2017, 09:09:15 AM
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on December 29, 2017, 10:33:22 AM
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out...
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 04, 2018, 08:53:19 AM
I can't remember the last time I forgot something.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 06, 2018, 09:35:19 AM
 I.ve always wanted to do this...buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Videotape the outcome.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 08, 2018, 06:02:03 PM
Common sense is not so common.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 14, 2018, 08:35:19 AM
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on January 14, 2018, 10:52:47 AM
amen to that!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 14, 2018, 01:08:52 PM
amen to that!
Which do you think most of us have Jim???  :laugh:
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on January 14, 2018, 08:31:00 PM
lol  that's a tough one (politically correct answer) ..... if you ask our significant others there's no question lol   
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 15, 2018, 06:32:33 AM
Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 18, 2018, 06:44:46 AM
Trust in God but lock your car.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 19, 2018, 09:18:13 AM
"The future will be better tomorrow."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 20, 2018, 08:16:26 AM
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good!!!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 22, 2018, 07:06:19 AM
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 23, 2018, 06:38:41 AM
 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 25, 2018, 07:14:35 AM
Everybody should believe in something... I believe I'll have another beer.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 29, 2018, 07:20:16 AM
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on January 31, 2018, 07:09:36 AM
 The more you say, the less people remember.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 03, 2018, 07:48:59 AM
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on February 03, 2018, 01:04:25 PM
that's very good lol
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 04, 2018, 08:36:24 AM
I've got the philosophy of a dog - if you can't f**k it or eat it, then piss on it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 05, 2018, 06:45:48 AM
 Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 06, 2018, 07:19:28 AM
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 07, 2018, 08:50:05 AM
CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 08, 2018, 06:48:50 AM
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 10, 2018, 12:48:18 PM
Just visited my local hi-fi shop...I'm having an out of money experience.... :(
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 11, 2018, 02:51:45 PM
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on February 12, 2018, 06:38:49 AM
Dating homeless women is great.  At the end of the evening, you can just drop them anywhere
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 16, 2018, 09:04:34 AM
I tried to think but nothing happened.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 22, 2018, 05:35:05 PM
 I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 24, 2018, 06:55:04 AM
Many people quit looking for a career when they find a job.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on February 26, 2018, 08:03:51 AM
FABLE:  A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 01, 2018, 07:56:50 PM
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 03, 2018, 06:36:23 AM
Daylight savings time.  Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 08, 2018, 09:22:00 AM
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 12, 2018, 12:41:37 PM
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 18, 2018, 11:53:53 AM
My mind is so open that ideas simply pass through it....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 19, 2018, 07:51:44 AM
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 23, 2018, 06:00:39 PM
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 24, 2018, 08:47:04 AM
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 25, 2018, 07:21:53 AM
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on March 26, 2018, 04:32:12 PM
The statistics on alcoholism are staggering.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 30, 2018, 11:52:30 AM
 Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on March 31, 2018, 08:48:49 AM
 Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 07, 2018, 09:56:25 AM
Have you noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 08, 2018, 08:35:49 AM
Life is sexually transmitted.....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on April 12, 2018, 06:09:08 PM
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 01, 2018, 08:29:35 AM
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 05, 2018, 09:10:23 AM
 Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 06, 2018, 08:20:43 AM
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 07, 2018, 06:37:38 AM
My phone started ringing. I answered and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are....
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 09, 2018, 07:14:13 AM
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: dpl50 on May 09, 2018, 02:36:31 PM
"I'm not crazy about reality, but its the only place to get a good steak".
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 10, 2018, 06:37:18 AM
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: MacGeek on May 12, 2018, 10:57:34 AM
How do they get deer to cross the road at the yellow sign?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on May 12, 2018, 12:40:51 PM
How do they get deer to cross the road at the yellow sign?

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b2/63/ff/b263ff76d4a4d1c77655e6905b03c64b.jpg)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 17, 2018, 07:10:36 AM
Before you give someone a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: OldiesButGoodies on May 18, 2018, 06:08:05 PM
A student asked his teacher how old she was. She promptly said, "39 and holding." Then the student asked, "Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 20, 2018, 06:42:58 AM
 Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on May 20, 2018, 08:40:58 AM
thanks for posting these ..... with all the real "news" today, a smile is appreciated  8)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 21, 2018, 07:33:57 AM
 All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 26, 2018, 09:15:16 AM
 Money can't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy... ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on May 29, 2018, 09:35:56 AM
 "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 01, 2018, 06:24:24 AM
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 02, 2018, 07:16:27 AM
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 05, 2018, 06:22:21 AM
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 06, 2018, 07:30:40 PM
Censor: a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 15, 2018, 07:31:21 AM
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on June 28, 2018, 10:01:19 AM
Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Jim Pittsburgh on June 28, 2018, 04:30:44 PM
Nice to see you posting again.... it had been a while
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 09, 2018, 07:12:33 AM
Justice: A decision in your favor... ;)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 09, 2018, 07:14:29 AM
Nice to see you posting again.... it had been a while
Thanks Jim!...I believe it's easier to get through ever day with a laugh.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 21, 2018, 11:36:37 AM
Today's subliminal message is . . .
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 23, 2018, 07:06:49 AM
I'm in a long distance relationship, her restraining order ends tomorrow.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 25, 2018, 07:02:52 AM
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too!
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 26, 2018, 07:07:38 AM
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.... :o
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 27, 2018, 09:31:51 AM
I kissed my girlfriend on the sofa last night and said "let's take this upstairs". "Ok" she said "You grab one end and I'll grab the other"...??? ::)
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 28, 2018, 07:59:07 AM
Ever notice how squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel???
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 30, 2018, 08:06:43 AM
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on July 31, 2018, 07:25:16 AM
My email password has been hacked. This is  the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: geoffr on July 31, 2018, 11:46:28 AM
funny
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 01, 2018, 06:20:28 AM
What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 03, 2018, 06:21:11 AM
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 04, 2018, 07:21:27 AM
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 07, 2018, 07:39:29 AM
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.
Title: Re: Daily starters
Post by: Kingman on August 10, 2018, 07:10:02 AM
It was only when I bought a motorcycle that I found out that adrenaline is brown.