-
Que?
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I have got to send that to RobertR in China, he`s there till May translating Chineese to English !!!!!!!!!!!
-
Definitely.
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Nice one! Some things just don't translate sometimes the way one would think. ;D
-
That's Frickin' Hilarious. ;D-----BILL
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Buck Cherry T
-
BustAss Sir!!!!
Wilkins Coffee (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ky7g1lgTwc#)
-
AL, Where In The Hell Did You Get That ?? hehehehe------BILL
-
Great Christmas gift here. Just when you thought you have seen it all...
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001PKU28E/ref=asc_df_B001PKU28E983308?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=googlecom09c9-20&linkCode=asn&creative=380341&creativeASIN=B001PKU28E (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001PKU28E/ref=asc_df_B001PKU28E983308?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=googlecom09c9-20&linkCode=asn&creative=380341&creativeASIN=B001PKU28E)
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
-
Great stuff Tom, thanks!
-
:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
-
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE............
Thanks For Posting That Tom.-------BILL(BB3)
-
MORE Funny stuff! ;) Take the quizzes.
http://theoatmeal.com/quizzes (http://theoatmeal.com/quizzes)
-
Kevin Pollak - Christopher Walken Impression (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7zEscBHr2s#)
Jay Mohr - Christopher Walken "No Tail" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwbdolpiS7U#)
Lady Gaga's Poker Face read by Christopher Walken - Friday Night with Jonathan Ross - BBC One (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJDx3H_hvI8#ws)
-
That is funny!! ;D ;D ;D
-
I am lost for words!!! ;)
-
Warning of Scam Targeting Unsuspecting Men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or even Wal-Mart customers. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your shopping into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Apr. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday, Jun 28th, and very likely again
this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, Walmart, etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
:P
-
This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the
United States that if military action against Muslim countries
continues, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6
managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab
drivers will be next, followed by DELL, AT&T, and AOL customer service
reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to
send us any more candidates for President either.
It's gonna get ugly, people!
-
With Chelsea's wedding July 31st.,Hillary
wanted to play the perfect Mom so
she asked Chelsea: "Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea said: "Not according to Dad".
:o :o :o :o :o
-
:P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
-
:o :o :o :o :o
-
Gunter is working on this. ;D
-
My friend bought an ice tea at Get Go and got this back as part of his change.
-
YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE THIS
cid:2CF35685194F4F3BBAF89CA2ACB13F00@SAHcomp
POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:”Because that's all the ammunition we had.” Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes...
When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE of 2009) ...
"when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."
-
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the parrot responded............ "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING....
-
Good Thanksgiving joke rgpit!!! :P
-
Hmmm.
-
:P :P :P
-
Steve Martin - The Great Flydini (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJTKgncSRsg#)
-
Harman-Geist Stadium
Hazleton, Pa
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=108+E+Tamarack+St,+Hazleton,+PA+18201&sll=40.958147,-75.969775&sspn=0.001298,0.002245&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=108+E+Tamarack+St,+Hazleton,+Luzerne,+Pennsylvania+18201&t=k&ll=40.958021,-75.969928&spn=0.001418,0.00228&z=18&output=embed (http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=108+E+Tamarack+St,+Hazleton,+PA+18201&sll=40.958147,-75.969775&sspn=0.001298,0.002245&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=108+E+Tamarack+St,+Hazleton,+Luzerne,+Pennsylvania+18201&t=k&ll=40.958021,-75.969928&spn=0.001418,0.00228&z=18&output=embed)
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An old golfer comes in from a round of
golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through
the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN
SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be
sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar
and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down
behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a
wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over
the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young
lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his
eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I
sure am." The old
golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says
softly, "Well,
wash your hands real f**king good because I want
a cheeseburger."
-
Lol good one
-
Very funny!!
-
Cute!!!
-
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/RWbGPE3IyF5sU5PPkpnxKSqmp5C_Zrj7FuFcMQGgT_FQ1DAJTnexueJuUnkLfSJXAyHg7zA-f3zmBWrOMQY9=s288)
-
Funny one Master of all Blasted!!!!! :P
-
Jane and Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
-
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
:P :P :P :P :P :P
-
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
-
That IS funny!!!!! :P :P :P
-
:P :P :P :P
-
:P Funny as hell!!
-
Cami Secret Parody (Boob Apron) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tieA5wfcgH4#)
-
GOOD ONE!!!!! :P
-
That is funny. Boner Killer..
-
The vinyl guys will especially appreciate this one.
Best: How to clean your vinyl records (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZBwyVXJRdI#)
-
A GAS!!!! :P :P :P
-
Holy Crap!!!!! :o
Bill Cain
-
I think I seen some of the albums this guy cleaned at the Goodwill in Cheswick.. ;D
-
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS!
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
-
Hahahaha... nice. Have you guys heard this one?
A blonde woman has gotten completely fed up with all of the stereotypes, jokes, being poked-fun-at and such.
So, she decides she's going to completely change her life around. She goes out and gets her hair dyed black, buys new clothes, a brand new convertible, the whole nine yards.
As she's out driving around, enjoying her new car, she spots a shepherd tending to a flock of sheep. So, deciding to test out her new life changes and prove that it all worked, she decides to stop and talk to the shepherd.
"Hi there!" she says, "Nice flock of sheep, they're so cute and fluffy!"
"Hi there, yourself!" says the shepherd.
"So, I just love your sheep, and I was wondering if we could make a little bet. If I can guess correctly at the number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home??"
The shepherd looks at her like she's a bit crazy, but thinking she's got no chance at all of being right, replies, "Sure, I'd do that... give it your best guess."
She looks thoughtfully at the sheep, waves her finger around like she's counting, and after a couple of minutes replies, "You have exactly 284 sheep."
Completely stunned, the shepherd replies, "Holy crap, that's exactly right. Wow... well, I guess you won... go ahead and pick out whichever one you'd like."
She looks around a bit, and picks out the cutest, fluffiest sheep she can find, leading it back to her car and putting it in the back seat.
As she's about to pull away, the shepherd stops her and says... "Wait one minute... you won one of the sheep, so it's only fair if I get to make a bet, too."
Thinking he'll give her another challenge where she can prove herself again, she replies, "Well, of course, that's only fair... go for it!"
...
...
...
"How about this? If can guess your real hair color, can I have my f**king dog back?!?"
-
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS!
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
....HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! FN EXCELLENT!!!! :P :P :P
-
This time, the Blonde wins and the lawyer looses
Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
-
I'm running dry lately...get the jokes going guys!!! Need some new ones to tell!!! ;D
-
:-X :-X :-X :-X
French Military History in a Nutshell
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
-
ROF-LMFAO :laugh:
-
Not only true but FN funny!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Viagra.....
-
Re: Cat Talking, Translation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JynBEX_kg8#)
-
Another new Illness to watch out for ... . .
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
" So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
" And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:...bet the pain started in his lower back and spread upward until skin started to form over his eyes and all he could see was the shitty side of life!!! :P
-
;D
-
Good one Rev!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Another new Illness to watch out for ... . .
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
" So, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
" And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
...You can also tell the boss you had car trouble if you are late for work......your ass didn't hit the seat soon enough!!!! :laugh:
-
I did actually have car trouble recently. My ass hit the seat on time, but the battery was shot. Got in to work late and paid over $100 for the privilege.
-
Just stumbled upon this. Hitler is a Pirates Fan.
No matter how many of these are made, they still crack me up.
Hitler is a Pirates Fan (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPfGIigcR44#ws)
-
3-25-2010_Hank_Johnson_Guam_Tip_Over.wmv (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg#)
THIS STILL CRACKS ME UP TO THIS DAY.
I didn't vote for him! Don't blame me.
-
BOTH the above are hilarious!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Happy Halloween!!!
-
hehehehehehe
-
thats cute :laugh:
-
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mom ........
-
Hmmm. I wonder what they are talking about... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
That's hysterical...and you know the story is being reported all over. Saw a news report from FL! He may never live this down.
-
Must...get....rueben...
-
Little Ralphy on Math
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
he teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f..king difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..king beautiful!''
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A pile of vomit walks into a bar, and begins sobbing uncontrollably.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The vomit replied, "Sorry to be all sentimental, but this is the place where I was brought up."
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Nice cans! :P
(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2011/12/29/bb19b735-ef84-4f48-bf07-030cbe9a97fd.jpg)
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(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/1/18/7541b8d9-6f07-4822-a4c0-851374715fab_thumb.jpeg)
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(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/2/18/86265500-c2e3-4877-bd84-a52095551817_thumb.jpg)
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Good to meet you last night Rev. My kind of picture. ;D
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Rock on Parrot!
[ORIGINAL] Parrot Sings Let the Bodies Hit the Floor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uguXNL93fWg#)
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DEATH METAL PARROT (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWhxCB0ndJE#)
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Sex in the Office
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
Have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
The floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
To consult her boyfriend... So she called her
Boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
Girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
When cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Now that was fukn funny!!!!! :P
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The Three Stooges Exclusive Stoogesta [HD] (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcBgX1tv23I#ws)
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Funny band promos
(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/4/20/2325163c-84bf-4b48-8a9b-453e3d221f75_thumb.jpg)
(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2012/4/20/2f34bf50-f9db-4510-a6a8-93c78c4c3507_thumb.jpg)
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A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell
them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each
and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded
the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had)
and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied,"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn
out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife,"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the
pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is
honking the horn."
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Now that is funny!
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Hurry on down to Home Depot; they have STRIPPERS on sale!!
(http://i251.photobucket.com/albums/gg286/TNRabbit/Funny%20Stuff/StrippersinHomeDepot.jpg)
Is Polly Urethane here STAGE NAME??
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Another reason to fly Southwest:
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."
"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."
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heeheeheehee
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Funny! Although they f**ked me on lost luggage, i will still fly with them again. :/
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Subterfuge
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I Don't understand what went wrong……..
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few... I noticed two quite large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said ..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember.
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Lie Detector (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjVVNuraly8#ws)
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So a guy with a black eye boards a plane, and notices the guy seated next to him also has a black eye.
"What happened? I notice you also have a black eye?"
"I walked up to the counter, and asked the cashier, who was really buxom, 'May I have a Picket to Titsburgh?' -- What happened to you?"
"Well, this morning at breakfast, I meant to say, 'Please pass the juice, but instead said, "YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE ! ! !"
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There are 4 tour types of orgasms:
1. Positive Orgasm: "OH YES! OH YES!"
2. Negative Orgasm: "OH NO! OH NO!"
3. Religious Orgasm: "OH GOD! OH GOD!"
4. Fake Orgasm: "OH tube_dan! OH tube_dan!"
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Jimmy Kimmel Lie Detective #1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPgpRw9tiuM#ws)
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An Alabama Blonde in Church on Sunday.....
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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(http://i803.photobucket.com/albums/yy313/RevAmish/Fedex%20Damage/82913836.jpeg)
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:P :P :P :P :P :P :P
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(http://www.thanksgivingsayings.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/turkey-thanksgiving-jokes.jpg)
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The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard ."
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Pepe, I think we solved your remote problem...
(http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/730195/83158993.jpg)
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That would be the "Sammy" Davis, Jr. of engineering O0
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Ship My Pants (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I03UmJbK0lA#ws)
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(http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2013/4/30/5727fd00-518f-4d8e-a6d1-4d1e731dec71.jpg)
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Love the remote control. When I was in college in a dorm in the 70's I had set up a remote channel changer using rope and pulleys. Did the same thing with the volume knob. I was way ahead of my time. LOL.
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(http://allthemanswers.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/monday-morning-with-thebroline-3.jpeg.jpg)
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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That would be the "Sammy" Davis, Jr. of engineering O0
Now I know why you seem to be so highly regarded around here.
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Math humor
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http://www.youtube.com/embed/9WoM2bHfr48 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/9WoM2bHfr48)
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Kim's Keurig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ2_q86KZRw&feature=youtu.be (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ2_q86KZRw&feature=youtu.be)
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http://www.youtube.com/embed/9WoM2bHfr48 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/9WoM2bHfr48)
That's awesome!
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It's gonna be hard to unsee that Kardashian thing.